In Memory of Joseph Calandrillo

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Trudy: I always think of your brother Joe on 9/11. Sorry to read your Mom has passed away. Hope you are OK and feeling a little better. Janet (jacurr124@aol.com)

*** Posted by Janet Grace Curran on 2011-09-11 ***

Joey, why isn't it getting any better? I just heard Alvin and the Chipmunks when I was in CVS. Tell Mommy that no one saw me get teary-eyed, and I got out of there real fast. I'm home now, so I can cry as much as I want, Ma. No one can see me.

All four of us will always remember that song, but I'll bet you all haven't thought about that one special night in a long time. Daddy stayed home with us while Mommy got dressed up to go into "New York" (as we always called Manhattan) to get some Christmas presents. We got an early one! Mommy brought home a 45 of the "chipmunk" song! We must have driven Mommy and Daddy crazy. We wouldn't stop playing it on that little record player. It's so hard to believe that you're all not here with me so we can talk about it. I'll try telling Trish and Cory, even though it's not the same. (Ma, it's OK to cry in front of them.)

If Uncle Joe doesn't go to California, I'll spend it with him. That means you'll get your presents on Christmas Eve. That will probably work out better. There's a better chance that little church will be open.

Wait a minute! Even if I don't go to Uncle Joe's, I'll still go in on the 24th and then again on the 25th. How does that sound? Ma, stop worrying about it! Because of what happened last Christmas and recently, the security will be very stepped up.

I'm going to check the Knick schedule as soon as I get off. I want to make sure you get to a Knick game somehow!

All of you must be hungry after all these years. Why don't you drop by for dinner?

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-11-23 ***

Ho, Ho, Ho, etc. ...

Yes, it's getting close to that time again. If Uncle Joe doesn't go to Oregon to see his new great granddaughter, I'll spend the time with him.

I guess you're all wondering how I'm going to scrape up the money to get those 2 teeth fixed and if the back pay for the upgrade will come through. If the back pay comes in, I won't have a care in the world! With that money I can afford the implant and probably still have some left over. The best Christmas present in the universe would be to have you back on earth, but since that's not possible, the money will have to do. (A visit would be much better, but you keep postponing.)

I've already decided on Christmas presents. If the money comes through, I'll take a cab to and from the train station, so I can go to the Knick game with you and not have to worry about driving home in the dark. If it doesn't come through, please take a walk with mommy, daddy, and me.

Mommy is going back to the tree, and we'll look at the store window displays again. We'll probably go to mass at St. Pat's. (It's practically on the way from Rockefeller Center to 34th Street.)

I'll take daddy for a walk around his old beat and look at all the changes. We'll see if that church is open this year. Even if it isn't, I think walking over with him will make him happy that I remember it so well.

What are all of you going to give me this year for Christmas? A visit would be a nice thing to do! You've been there long enough now. I'm sure you're settled in by now and able to take a little journey.

You don't have to decide right now, but please give it serious thought.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Lonely and poor (but not toothless yet),
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-11-06 ***

Still so sad

Joey, first let me say "Hi" to Mary Ellen and Ronnie, and then I'll talk to you.

It's so nice to hear from you! It took until 2009 for the rage to subside, and I was able to finally grieve like an adult. That's when I started writing here. I came to this site tonight because I wanted to complain to Joey that everyone is already starting to talk about it. The families and friends of loved ones live with it every day, not just once a year. After I complain to Joey, I'll call Murphy, and we can complain together.

No, I don't think we met. I hope you're all doing well. Ronnie is one of the nicest people I've ever met, so I'm sure you're a wonderful woman. I don't want to put my numbers and address here, but I'm always in touch with Murphy. Maybe we can exchange info through him.

Yes, I am a very fortunate woman. Not everyone gets to have such a wonderful family. It's been hell losing them, but it's been so wonderful loving and being loved like this. They're always with me, I just can't see them.

That wasn't a dream you had. For some reason Joey wanted to show it to you because he knew you'd understand. When you saw him, he was on what I call "the bridge." I saw him about 2 weeks after the murder. He was still on "the bridge" and there were still a lot of other people, just like you saw. I guess it takes a while for that many souls to cross over into the next life.

Debbie was at a wedding (somehow she and my brother's friend have the same relatives). Debbie told him what happened, and he said, "So that's what the dream meant." Mike told her that he had a dream the night of the mass murder, and he saw my father calling Joey ("Over here, over here!"). He had that dream, and he didn't know about Joey yet.

My mother was very upset that Joey didn't visit her, but at least she knew he was OK. Even so, nothing could ever console her. She sat up night after night and just screamed and screamed and screamed. In 2010 God took her, so she could be with her son. I miss her terribly, but I know she's OK now. She's with Joey. Yes, Debbie was distraught, but it doesn't come close to what a mother feels.

I'm going to sign off now. (I'll be talking to Murphy either tonight or tomorrow and we'll see what we can set up.)

It's so nice to hear from Joey's friends!

From his favorite sister,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-08-30 ***

Hi, Trudy,

I was reading some of your letters to your brother, and my heart just cried for you.... I don't know if I ever met you, but I am Ron Calabro's wife. So many times I wanted to write you and just didn't know how, and I know Ron did try to get in touch with Debbie, but I suppose she was too devastated to reply.... I totally understand.... We did hear from Jack Murphy, and he told us that Debbie was very distraught, so we left it alone....

I wanted to tell you that I loved Joe—he was so nice to me—and saw him at Jack Murphy's house a lot down in the city. He was a very funny guy ... always made me laugh, and such a nice disposition about him, and he showed so much love for my son Ronny.... Unfortunately, we didn't keep in touch that much because of my son being born.... But I just wanted to tell you what a great guy I thought he was....

Every 9/11 I make sure I watch the TV to hear Joe's name being announced, and when I hear it I think, "My god what a tragedy!" 9/11 should have never happened, and to this day I cannot understand why that all happened.... To me it was like a nightmare....

Reading some of your letters, I thought that you are a very lucky girl to have had a brother like Joe and a mother and father that loved you so much.... You all seemed to be a very close family.... Again, you are truly blessed....

Right after 9-11 happened I had a dream about Joe, and I never forgot it. And I wanted to tell Debbie but didn't know how.... It was a very vivid dream: I was sitting on a bench on the bottom of the destruction and debris of the twin towers and looking up at it and felt so sad and had my head down and I heard my name being called, "Mary Ellen." I turned around and saw Joe in a white suit with all of these people walking around him ... almost like the people didn't know where they were going and were in a daze. I said to your Joe, "I am so sorry about what happened." And I was crying, and he said to me, "Mary Ellen, I am happy. Don't cry, and please tell my family that I am so happy...." And he turned and walked away thru the crowd—but knew where he was going.... He looked very happy, and I wanted to tell you this for a long time but didn't know how.... So I am thinking that I hope you don't think I am crazy. I just thought and knew one day I would be able to tell you or Debbie.... Hope this makes you feel good because he was so happy in my dream.

Please know that I always will remember Joe and will never forget him. I want you to know I never did, and he has always been in the back of my mind because he truly was a wonderful soul.... I remember his smile, too, sort of shy and would look down ... but then look up with another smile....

I wish you much happiness, and remember, Joe is happy.... Love to you and your whole family ... and please let me know about Debbie.

Love always,
Mary Ellen

*** Posted by Mary Ellen and Ron Calabro on 2010-08-25 ***

Mechanically challenged and lonely

OK, Joey, the water came out the bottom of the tub again, but this time I fixed it! (Well, I had to get the plumber back because the fixture was too tight, and I couldn't get it off.) The next day I saw why the water was coming out. Remember the hand-held nozzle that idiot I was dating put in? Well, I saw the water running out the hose and right into the faucet the plumber had just caulked. Now I knew! Fortunately, the idiot left the old shower head and all I had to do was change it. Unfortunately, the idiot had tightened it too much, and I couldn't get it off. I didn't want to force it, I was too afraid it would break. Anyway, he came back the next day and changed it, so that's all better.

I don't think I mentioned the leak I had a while ago that left a wet spot on the ceiling. I emptied the toilet as soon as I saw the spot, and it dried. I figured I need a new seal, but I wasn't going to touch up the paint until the new seal was on. The plumber said the seal was tight and filled the bowl, but keep an eye on it. When the spot reappeared, I thought the toilet still just needed a new seal. He took care of that when he came back about the nozzle. It turns out that the leak was in the hose coming from the tank. We all know this is junk construction, and the plastic they used cracked. He came back with a copper hose, fixed it, and told me to go back to normal. The bowl is filled again, nothing is leaking, but I'm still afraid to use it. If one of you were here, I'd do it, but I'm afraid to do it alone. Hey! Trish is good with stuff like this! Rick is away, so I'm sure she'll come over and I'll try it out then. Sounds like a plan.

Oh, and Bruni and Campasi sent a letter asking if I want to have the a/c checked out before the heat hits. I'm going to make the appointment and have them check the furnace as long as they're here, anyway. That way I won't have to pay for a visit.

I've been putting this off, but I really do need to talk to daddy. Da, how embarrassed were you when I put too much oil in the lawn mower? It was only about an ounce or two, but you're wondering how stupid I could be not to remember the swelling factor when the engine heats up. At least I realized what I did when it started smoking. It's OK now. Apparently enough of the oil came out due to the swelling.

Ma, did you see that the cherry trees I planted died? That was sad! I know how much you enjoyed the flowers. The roots were actually rotted. You were probably having a fit that I was out there sawing awsy. If you were here you would have convinced the trash hualer to take the whole tree. (At your age it's probably easy to get other people to do things for you.) But you're not here, so I sawed away and got a lot of it down to where I can put it in trash bags. All that's left now is the tree part, and those are about four inches in diameter. No, I'm not even going to try sawing that into small pieces. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

I'll go for now, but even when I don't write, you're all always on my mind and in my heart. Life would be so much easier if all of you were here.

Joey, do you think all that sawing helped my hook shot?

Ma, stop worrying. I won't say I won't overdo it. I'll just say I won't overdo it too much. As you love to remind me—"You're getting old. Accept the fact that you can't do what you used to do."

Da, I'll do my best not to embarrass you. I'll think before doing. Remember telling me "measure twice, cut once" and to stop being in a hurry? At least I learn from my mistakes! You can bet I won't be overfilling any engine with oil ever again.

Yes, I still miss you all so much. No, it doesn't matter how much time goes by. The hole will always be there, it just won't be as "raw" as time goes by.

Love
Trudy

Ma, just one more thing.... Where did I put Friday's Wall Street Journal? There's an article in there I want you to read.

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-04-24 ***

Okay, Joey, the plumber was just here, and it wasn't anything dangerous or expensive. I feel much better, but we're not out of the woods yet. Let's see if the water still comes out the bottom of the tub. It's weird not having any of you around. You and mommy wouldn't have waited. You would just have called a plumber immediately. If Daddy was here, then there wouldn't be any need for a plumber. He would have fixed it.

Now let me dream about what could have been. Yeah, so I'm crying.

We always knew we'd outlive mommy and daddy. It would be rough to lose them, but at least we'd have each other. Strange how things work out. I don't know where we'd be living now. You might have wanted to stay here in suburbia with me even though I want to go back to the city. I don't think staying in suburbia makes sense, since both of us have night blindness so we wouldn't be any good to each other with driving at night. If you did want to stay here, would you be okay with the commute from here? The subway going downtown is always so crowded in the morning and the same at night in the reverse direction. I think we should be back in the city somewhere (I'll just do a reverse commute), probably back in the old neighborhood. I'd like that. You could get me in basketball shape again so we could pick up games. Fabio mentioned picking up baseball games. Did you ever do that? What am I talking about?!? We'll probably end up wherever I want, so that means we're back in Brooklyn.

Joey, it's miserable here without you. Yeah, I have some very good friends, but they're not my family. I don't like having to do everything alone. Even if you weren't with me all the time, it just feels so good to know that someone's there. I learned that with mommy. Even though she couldn't do much those last few years, I knew she'd do anything for me somehow, someway. It's the same with you. You've always been there for me, and you always believed in me. I miss that and I miss everything about you.

You're the kindest person in the world. "Too kind" as mommy would say. Mommy and I talked often, wishing you hadn't cowtowed to her and told her to take the bus alone, so you'd be here now. Mommy and I would talk about that every now and then and wish you had been inconsiderate and told her to take the bus by herself. We'd be together somewhere. I still think the best place would be back in our old house (which we would have bought) and had separate apartments. But we already covered that in one of the other letters. Then we wouldn't have to worry about night driving. We'd sell our cars and just walk or take the subway wherever we wanted to go. Oh, Joey, why do things work out the way they do?

Remember how mommy always used to say "we can't go back"? Yes, I know that we can't go back in time and change anything, but I can dream of it, can't I? I'm not sure if I feel better or worse after talking to you. I feel great when I'm dreaming of how things would have been, but then I feel this heavy, heavy sadness when I get back to the reality that you're not physically here. You're somewhere, but not here.

Oh, I just had a thought. Maybe if mommy had died before your murder, then she and daddy would have figured out a better way to keep you off the bus that morning. I'll always cherish my time with her those last years, but I know she would rather have you here with me. I'm going to watch something mindless on TV and try not to be sad.

Tell mommy and daddy that I love them, too. It's just that I miss you more than any of them right now. The editors didn't post my last letter, but that's OK. I know you read it while I type it.

My Joey, my family member who is supposed to still be here on earth, I love you and miss you more and more every day. Is it because I'm getting very old? I almost forgot! You'd have a field day poking at my gray hair. Remember how you were always being a pest about that? I used to be so furious, and now I wish you were here annoying me again.

I'll go watch something mindless on TV so I cam postpone the reality setting in.

With so much love,
Trudy

*** Posted by his lonely sister on 2010-04-13 ***

No baskets this year

Once again, since I let go of the rage over your murder, Easter is miserable. I miss Mommy more and more every time there's a holiday, but let's do the good memories first!

Remember the year we got the battery-operated rabbit that was holding a bottle of carrot juice, and when you turned him on he put the bottle to his mouth and drank it? I think that was the best Easter present we ever got, and I think Daddy enjoyed it even more than we did! How about going Easter clothes shopping with Mommy? Even as a kid I wasn't crazy about her choices for me. Oh, and remember how Aunt Mary insisted I have a pair of white kid gloves to wear with whatever outfit I was forced to wear? (Daddy wasn't crazy about wearing animals, let alone a baby one.) I don't remember there being a fuss about the food for this particular holiday (like Daddy insisting Mommy was doing it wrong). I wish you were here so you could tell me about all the things I don't remember.

I have to call the plumber again. His side of the river flooded this time, so he didn't come on Tuesday.

Now I need to complain about Mommy not being here. Yeah, it's been a few years but for some reason I keep thinking about the basket I gave her the last Easter she was here. She wanted to know where I had gotten the beautiful basket, and I don't think I convinced her that she had probably given it to me, and I just filled it and gave it back. She loved it! I filled it with Kit-Kats (her favorite candy) and Ensure, but I don't remember what else. She kept apologizing about not having a basket for me (she was already too sick to get out much) and not signing the beautiful cards she had for me. I should have insisted she sign them. I'll always keep them, but they would be so much better if I had her writing in them. Yes, I'm crying, but don't tell Mommy. That was stupid of me! She's watching, so she already knows. You'll never know how much I keep thinking about a basket for Mommy and not being able to do it and give it to her. She always appreciated everything I did to try to make things better for her. It had been years since I had given her a plant. I couldn't give her a lily like we used to do. The smell hurt her breathing. When I could give her a lily, I always told her to give the plant back when it died so I could plant it. That beautiful array of white and yellow lilies came from the few bulbs she gave back to me. Oh, and that beautiful speckled rose-colored lily I gave her years ago finally came up last year. I want to move it and put it under her tree. Some daffodils need to be put there as well. Don't worry, I'm going to put some under your tree as well.

I hope Mommy overheard the conversation with the doctor I called regarding the tests (who turned out to be the wrong doctor). She would definitely appreciate the irony! Lulu would have it enjoyed it as well, but neither of them is here, so I told Maria. She's about as close as I can come since she knows the player involved. Wasn't that funny when his secretary told me she didn't have a Gertrude or Trudy but she did have.... That was so bizarre!

No, I'm not going to Uncle Joe's for Easter. He hinted but didn't come right out and ask, so I didn't offer. Did you hear my conversation with Delores last night? The facts: I'm going to see the plastic surgeon on Monday to discuss doing my eyes. Here's the scary part: Uncle Joe told Delores that I said I wasn't coming for Easter because I'm having my eyes done on Monday, and I was spending 2 nights in the city. I don't remember telling Uncle Joe anything about the appointment and can't imagine where the surgery part came in. If Uncle Joe is right about a conversation like that, then I had a mini-seizure. Uncle Joe will be 90 in July, but it's not possible to come to a conclusion like that, even if I did tell him about the appointment (which I don't remember doing). I already have an appointment with the neurologist on the 14th, and I'll definitely tell him about that one. Maybe when I talk to Uncle Joe later today we can sort this out.

What do you do in the afterlife for the holidays? Do you just hang around looking at the people you left behind? Oh, look at the time! I told Cory I'd bring lunch to her since I'm off, and she's working today at the florist. It'll be sad looking at all the tulips and lilies that I won't be buying for Mommy. I just remembered ... Daddy's the one who got us started with that tradition. He always made sure we got something like that for Mommy, starting from when we were little kids. You and I have done it ever since. It's a wonderful tradition, and now I can look at the beautiful flowers I planted here and know that they are from Mommy.

I'll talk to you soon but I need to talk to Mommy for awhile.

Ma, please keep an eye on everything. Have you been visiting, or has it only been a dream? Yes, I'm still waiting. I want to see Joey and Daddy, but I want to see you most of all. Remember that conversation about "Ill always love all of you equally"? Maybe I was wrong. You loved me more than the other two ever could, so maybe I love you more than I love them. I know for sure that I miss you so much more than I'll ever miss them.

I love all of you, even if it's not equally!

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-04-02 ***

Now it's the plumbing!

Hi, Joey!

No, I didn't call Bruno and Campisi about the furnace yet, but I did call the plumber. (I don't think you know about that one unless you've been watching.)

I'm not sure if it's my pipes or the pipes next door. I thought I heard water running and/or dripping behind the downstairs wall after I turned off the faucets but I hear it even when I'm not running water. I think I'm hearing when I hear the shower next door. Isn't that weird about the water coming from that one spot under the tub even though there aren't any cracks in it. Plus, it's plastic so it has to be something under the tub. But that only lasted a few days. What is that all about?! And why did I hear water running behind the bowl after using the shower or sink? It started out the first few days as a tinkle and then got louder. Then it started sounding like a tinkle again. That stopped after a few days as well. Has Daddy been fixing things? (I guess I'll never know since no one has come to visit.) I'm hoping it will only be a few small jobs and not something major like taking down walls to get at the pipes.

Could it be the pipes next door? I guess we'll know after he gets here. I already told Diane that I might have to ask her to run water while he's here. I don't know why I'm telling you about this. You're not any good when it comes to stuff like this, so please ask Daddy what he thinks.

It's times like these I think I miss Mommy more than ever. She would have had the plumber here as soon as I said I heard it. And I'm sure she would have had the furnace looked at as soon as I said it sounded weird. And since she's old, they probably would take care of everything. I'm having a hard time knowing that I can't do everything I used to do after I had the brain surgery.

It's the same with the floors. I'll have to get someone to do the entire job. I'm not up to removing the trim, removing the nails, plugging the holes, painting them, and putting them back over the floors after they're installed. Ma, I'm just going to have to tell them to treat me like an 80-year-old woman who can't do anything. How embarrassing! At least if you were here, they would know it as soon as they walked in the door, and you could make some excuse about your daughter working, busy, tired, etc. Then no one would know that I've lost my abilities.

OK, I've complained enough about what's happening around here. I feel better just talking to you about it and I wish at least one of you were here, so I wouldn't be doing this alone. It always feels better when someone else is around. I don't know why; it just does.

Now I need Mommy. There's a Nor'easter coming later in the day so a blackout is very possible. I went to CVS this morning for some stuff, but I forgot to buy more batteries for Mommy's flashlight. Ma, you always think of everything! I'm sure there are "D" batteries somewhere, but I don't see them. (I bought a whole package of "C" for that flashlight about two years ago without checking first.) Please at least point me in the right direction. Yeah, you're right. I should have looked first and not assume I know everything. But flashlights always took "C." When did that change?

The storm is something else where I would feel better having someone with me. If the river goes over again this year, I won't have to worry about wind causing a blackout. The power and gas companies just turn it all off as soon as the river comes over. The most important thing is getting the cars to high ground and worrying about the heat, the hot water, and the lights later. Remember last time when we were without for a week? Don't worry, Joey, I still have that big down coat you gave me about 15 years ago, and the temperature will be upper 30's to low 40's at night so I'll be warm. I can do without a hot shower tomorrow (Sunday), but I guess I'll take a cold shower Monday morning if we're out. That's a worse-case scenario.

Hey, the plumber just called, and he's coming Tuesday!

Talk to you soon!

Missing you and loving you,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-03-13 ***

I'm back from the hospital!

Were all of you watching while I was in there? In case Mommy didn't see ... the electrodes didn't look as obvious as they did when I was there the first time. I think they looked better the first time when all the wires were obvious and sticking out. Mommy took a picture of that one, so I got to see it after I got out. (I couldn't get to a mirror either time because the cable hookup to the computer was too short. Daddy would have known how to get around that one.) Since Mommy wasn't there to take a picture, I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror when I was "unplugged" and before the electrodes came off so I could see it. It was very disappointing. It didn't look like much this time. There was a surgical cap over the wires, and the wires were much thinner.

Anyway, the change in medication worked because I didn't have a seizure during my week stay. How hyper was Mommy when I was in there? (Ma, I'm sure you were watching and being a nervous wreck as usual. Did anyone try to calm you down or were they afraid you'd yell at them?)

Ask Daddy if they were lying to me when I kept asking for an extension cord so I could get around (at least to the bathroom), and the technicians and doctors kept saying "No." Yeah, I know Mommy was upset that I was misbehaving and probably asking you and Daddy why I couldn't just relax and do what I was told. She probably had a fit the first day when I told the doctor we should just "bite the bullet" and discontinue all of the Keppra immediately. I couldn't see the logic in weaning me. As long I was in a controlled/supervised environment, let's just go for it. I didn't see any point in doing it gradually because it takes 5 days for it to be completely out of the system and I'd end up being there longer. By doing it my way, I got out in 5 days.

Remember I didn't want to go to Lennox Hill because the food is lousy? That's changed! A nutritionist came up before every meal and went over all the options and made sure, as a vegetarian, I got a plate full of veggies without the meat or fish. And I even got the "extras" I asked for (like pepper, ice cream, and butter)! We didn't really have a desert choice (just pie or pound cake), so when I asked if I could have ice cream to put on it, they not only accommodated me but gave me 2 cups!

Yeah, Ma, I ate everything they put in front of me plus the food Anna Lou brought in. Did you hear what she said about visiting me in hospitals? She said she came to see me but "more to keep Millie company since she got stuck sitting with you all day." Even though she's one of my best friends, I think she was partial to you.

No, I never did find the "Complete Works of Jack London," so I ended up buying three books to cover everything. I never did get to read them because I read the magazines I brought first, so I could leave those and not have to carry them home. I need to talk to Daddy about "Popular Mechanics" for a while.

Da, Mike Allen is a great diagnostician, but he's mean to the people who write to him with questions. Did you see how he answered that man about the trouble with the cam and crank after he changed the water pump? That part about replacing "if you didn't realize that it needed to be installed with the pulleys aligned properly" was totally uncalled for! What did you think of the part where he sarcastically tells him about the cam and crank relationship? Does he think he's the only one who knows anything about a car? It's a 2003 Mitsubishi that the writer was asking questions about. Even though the new cars are tricky for us old-timers with the new computer controls, we know that the cam, crank, pulleys, and alignments still work the same as they did in our time. What about the crack: "two physical objects occupy the same place at the same time (see Einstein's theory of relativity)." I was furious when he told the writer to "read the manual first." I wish you were here to tell me what you think of a mechanic who treats other mechanics like we were three years old. He's good but I would never ask him anything. Maybe you could find something he answered incorrectly, but they probably wouldn't publish that one.

Since you haven't answered about the furnace, I promise I'll call Bruno and Campassi today and find out if he can come tomorrow.

Joey, I need to talk to Mommy for a while. (I hope it won't make her sad or mad.)

Ma, this was the first time I've been in a hospital since you'd gone, and it was wierd and sad. I'm so used to having you there. Whether or not we fought, we were always there for each other. I know you were there, but I couldn't see or hear you. If you were still on earth, we probably would have been arguing about my questioning everything they were doing and making suggestions as to how it should be done.

It's OK that I do that. My doctor knows I'm a doctor who never went to medical school, and he took my suggestion about stopping the Keppra all at once. When I questioned the way he timed the increased Lamictal dosage and the way I thought it should be done, he said that he had thought about that as well but decided because ... and we could look at it in the future. He also told me to refuse the heparin if I didn't want it since I was young and moving as far as the short "leash" would let me. (I'll bet Daddy would have known how to put an extension cable on the computer hookup so I could at least get to the bathroom.)

Well, that's all on this end, so I'll give you the update on the rest of the family:

Fabio had more complications, but he's back home after the SECOND surgery, so now it'll be a while before they can reverse the colostomy bag.

Ella is still Ella. We've been keeping in touch on a regular basis to see how she's making out with the cyst and how I'm doing with seizures. I need to call Buddy about his Parkinson's. I'm trying to get him into the city to go to a good doctor, but he always has an excuse. Uncle Joe is doing great, but he won't stop driving. Delores is in the process of getting a divorce, and it might get "messy." Mark is still Mark. Nothing changed on that end. Maria, Stephan, and his family are doing good.

I think that covers all of it, and I'm still waiting for a visit. Should I give up on that? If you haven't come to see me after all this, I guess you won't ever. I know you all love me and check on me, so I need to be thankful for what I have with you.

I love all of you, and I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-02-22 ***

I give up!

It's been 3 weeks and no one came to see me! Are all of you too busy? I thought all you ever did there was follow me around and make sure that I don't get in trouble. I guess that's not how it goes. If you had been following me, you would know that I'm going into the hospital for a week next month for seizure "monitoring," so the doctor can tweak the medication in a controlled environment. I've been going crazy looking for the "Complete Works of Jack London" book. I need something to keep me busy while I'm hooked up to the electrodes waiting for something to happen. Ask Mommy where it is. I'm sure she'll know where I put it. Yes, I'm still in a mess here. I haven't been up to sorting through all Mommy's stuff, so I'm sure it's mixed in with some of her books, but I can't find those either! Ma! I need you to get me organized. Please visit or at least point me in the right direction. I really need to find that book!

Remember the last time I was there? I was hooked up to the electrodes the whole time, and I couldn't go very far. It will be the same this time, so I won't be able to use the hospital library or run down and buy a newspaper. Since none of you are here to do any of that for me, I have to make sure I have everything I need before I go in. Rather than have to lug 5 or 6 books to and from Lennox Hill, it would be a lot easier to just take that one fat book. I have a tentative check-in date of February 16, so there's still some time.

Joey, maybe you know where they are. Remember when I used to hide on Mommy when she took us shopping with her, and when she was just about to panic, you would tell her where I was? You were always watching everything. You probably know exactly where they are! Why aren't you telling me? I'd tell you if you lost something and I knew where it was.

Get Daddy in on this one, too. He's probably annoyed because I'm not as organized as he is. He always knew where everything was at all times. Remember how organized his tools always were? I'm sure he has a fit every time he looks at his toolbox that I inherited and sees everything in disarray. I even have loose nails and screws in that toolbox. I can almost hear him groaning just thinking about what a mess I made in his toolbox. Is that why I haven't heard from anyone? Daddy's mad about the toolbox, and Mommy's mad that I haven't gotten everything organized yet? What are you mad about? You never got mad about anything when you were here. Just because Mommy and Daddy are mad doesn't mean you can't help out.

Well, I know you're all very busy there (doing what, I don't know), so I'll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing. But, Joey, I'm counting on you to come through for me on this one. If you won't show me where this book is, at least let me find one in a bookstore somewhere.

I'll let you know if I find the book. Keep an eye on everything while I'm in the hospital. I'm going to board Justice for the week, so I know he'll be getting his special diet.

Be well and enjoy yourselves while I'm here all alone. (I guess being dramatic won't help any, but it's worth a try.)

Love from your lonely family member "Trudy" (just in case you forgot my name). Does sarcasm work? (Probably not.) Well, I'll let you go now, but please don't forget about me. I always feel better when I feel you around me.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-01-22 ***

How was New Year's Eve in your world?

Okay, the most important thing first! Justice was alone for a little less than 21 hours, and he was fine when I got in. He had eaten. No, he didn't finish all three plates, but he ate about a quarter to a third of each one, which is the same amount he eats every day. Yes, I cleaned the litter, just like I do every day. Yes, he's very happy to see me, and not just today. Ask mommy. She'll tell you how he only wanted to be with his dog and didn't pay much attention to me. Now that Hawkeye's gone, he spends his time with me. He's sitting on my lap while I'm typing this but he's been doing that a lot for about a month now, and I'm concerned about something else. Check with daddy on this one. He'll know if I'm worried about something that's nothing or if it's something I should worry about. His appetite is fine, and he's eating, but he's losing weight. He was checked when he was in the hospital last month for the constipation, and they didn't find anything wrong, but I'll call the vet this week and check it out again. I'm afraid he has cancer. Don't people with cancer lose weight? Daddy will know, but since none of you will visit, I'll have to talk to the vet, instead.

Now that I've told you the important stuff, let's talk about New Year's eve. What did you do besides keep an eye on me? You already know that I went to Uncle Joe's. I wasn't pretending to be having a good time. It really was a good time!

Wasn't that great when we went to his neighbor's for dessert, and the other people there were from the old neighborhood? It was so much fun talking to her (I don't know her name) about the Meserole and the Graham movie houses. She's probably about ten years younger than we are because the RKO was already gone. She reminded me of something that I haven't thought about for years and years and years, but as soon as she mentioned it, I remembered how good they were! Ask mommy and daddy about the doughnut shop next door to the Meserole. Remember when we would go to the movies and sometimes (if they had it) they would give us extra money to buy some on the way home? I think you preferred the jelly. I know mommy liked the glaze, and my favorite was cream. I don't remember which one daddy liked best, do you? Well, even if you don't remember, you can ask him and hear his answer. I can't hear the answer. I don't know why you don't visit. I won't know which one daddy liked unless one of you comes and tells me. It's not fair! You can see and hear me, and I can't see or hear you!

And I actually stayed up till midnight! I don't remember the last time I stayed up and watched "the ball" drop. It's probably the last year Guy Lombardo or daddy was alive.

Well, I'm sure mommy is relieved that I'm home safe. She was probably in a panic that someone would blow up Grand Central Terminal while I was in it. And this time, besides Grand Central, she also had to worry about someone blowing up Penn Station. You got nervous when I took the subway both times between Grand Central and Penn. Daddy was probably quietly checking everything out and making all kinds of contingency plans, just in case something would happen, and he had to get me out of there. I'm guessing it would be something similar to when he set off your smoke alarm, so you wouldn't have to go to work that day.

I know I've said it before, and even though "we can't go back," I still wish you had told her to take the bus by herself and stayed home. Yes, I probably spend too much time thinking about what life would be like if you had still been here these past eight years. I'm sure we would have bought the house, so the new landlord wouldn't have thrown mommy out. We'd both be living there now. We would have put mommy on the ground floor, so she didn't have to climb the stairs. We could even have grown vegetables and flowers! Which apartment would you have taken, the middle floor or the top floor where we grew up? I'm guessing you would have taken the top floor apartment, since we grew up there and all the improvements daddy made are in that apartment. After mommy died, I would have moved back and taken the ground floor apartment, so I could have access to the back yard for a dog to play in. Even if you wanted the ground floor, you never would have said anything. You just would have let me have it. Your biggest problem is that you're too kind!

I'll write again when something comes up. Wait a minute! If I don't write, will that make you or mommy worry enough so you'll come for a visit? Nothing makes daddy worry, so it's useless to try that one on him. He'll either visit or he won't. There's no way to coerce him into doing anything he won't do.

I love you and miss you! All of you! And what do I have to do to get a visit?

Keep an eye on me!

Wait! I almost forgot to ask you to talk to daddy about the furnace. I'll have to get Bruni and Campisi back here to take a look at it. It's still under warranty, and I don't like the way it sounds. Daddy would know whether or not it sounds like something is wrong. But since he won't visit and tell me himself, I'll just have to take care of it all by my lonesome. (Lonesome, how's that for drama?)

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2010-01-01 ***

About Justice....

You're probably wondering what I'm talking about with taking care of Justice (36 hours alone, etc.), going there right from work, etc., so I'll start from the beginning.

My original plan was to leave my car here, go to work with Dianne, and walk to the station when we got out. We usually get let go early on the day before a holiday. On 12/24 we were were told not to take a lunch hour and leave @ 1:00. Because of that, I assumed the same will happen on 12/31. That's why I would leave my car home, take a ride from Dianne in the morning, and walk to the train station when we got out. No, I wasn't planning on driving to Long Island. (Make sure you tell mommy, so she's not worried about that.) That's why Justice would be alone from Thursday morning until Friday afternoon.

Fortunately I talked to you about this before because now I'm seeing things more clearly.

I won't assume anything about getting out early. Even if we do, I'll tell them I have to take a lunch hour and leave an hour after the early dismissal. That way I can come home for lunch and give Justice more fresh food and litter and he'll only be alone for 24 - 28 hours. In the event Dianne gets a lunch hour, she'll probably come home for lunch (she usually does), and then I'll leave my car here, ride back to work with her, and walk down to the station when we get out.

Now that I'm writing, things just got very, very clear! I'll just treat Thursday like any other day. I'll drive myself to work and drive myself home, take care of Justice one last time, and take a cab to Port Chester (about $5.00). That way he'll only be alone for a maximum of 24 hours.

Whew! I'm glad that's settled. Thanks for all your help with this. Yeah, I know you were saying "Ma, she can complicate anything, no matter how simple." I'm not complicated, but I like being thorough, just like daddy. Is mommy yelling at daddy because I'm like him, and it's all his fault?

I'm sorry I started an argument, but now that you've simplified it for me at least I'm OK.

Talk to you soon. You know, we could talk in person if you'd get in gear and visit!

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-27 ***

I closed!

Yes, they finally got the right figure for the taxes, so my monthly payment is what it's supposed to be. (I save about $100 a month.) Even so, there were still some glitches with the notary and I missing each other. Mommy was probably worried sick because I had to drive back and forth between the bank and home three times in the rain.

The bank gave him the right time but the wrong place, and the bank had the right place but the wrong time. It reminded me of the Marx Brothers movie "Night at the Opera" and the Abbott and Costello routine "Who's on first?" If you've never seen them, check with daddy. They were two of his favorites, and he'll tell you all about it and how it applies to yesterday.

It took a lot longer than expected, but I finally closed!

Let's get New Year's out of the way. So far, I'm going to Uncle Joe's after work on New Year's eve and I'll come back New Year's day. Then I really won't be here and don't have to lie about not being home. Everyone thinks they have to invite me somewhere because I'm "alone." Don't they realize that I'm not "alone," and it's OK that I don't feel like going to some stupid party?

What's the big deal with the New Year? We never did anything about it when we were growing up except for watching it on TV. Remember how mommy and daddy let us stay up late to watch Guy Lombardo and the ball drop? After Guy Lombardo died, we didn't bother watching it. Check with daddy or mommy on this one—I don't remember if daddy died first or Guy Lombardo did. Remember how mommy would make sure she heard Lombardo's brother in-law (or brother, I don't remember which) sing "Boo-Hoo"? I don't remember the song, but I heard it a few months ago, and it's a nice song, but I don't know what it has to do with New Year's. Ask mommy about that one.

Oh, regarding going to Uncle Joe's—what should I do about Justice? Before he got sick, I would just leave him alone for the night with food (which was dry at the time) and water. Now that he's old and not doing too well, I have to give him wet food mixed with prunes and change the litter several time a day. I really don't want to put him in the kennel, but since the food has be changed every time it gets hard, I don't know who I trust enough to come here three times a day to take care of it. I'll be gone from Thursday morning (when I go to work) and not be back until late afternoon or early evening on Friday. What do you think? After talking to you, I'm leaning more toward leaving him alone for the 36 hours, but I'm not sure. They took very good care of him when he spent that night in the kennel, even though he seemed upset when I picked him up. If one of you thinks of anything, please let me know.

I'll check in with you if anything comes up prior to 1/1/10. If not, I'll definitely check in on New Year's day and let you know where I went and how it went.

I miss you! All of you!

Love and hugs,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-27 ***

I'm Home!!!

We didn't know if I was going to New York or the movies, and somehow I ended up doing both.

First, let me tell you why I feel guilty.

Joey, I didn't buy the Knick tickets from the scalper in front of Madison Square Garden. I hope you're not too upset. I know I promised that for Christmas, but the game wasn't until noon, and I was afraid I'd end up missing half of it by having to leave in the middle, so I could get a train early enough so I could drive home from the station while it was still light. Weird how he was standing there hawking the tickets, and the only reason I was there was to see if KMart was open. Was that a sign that I should have gone to the game? Was my Christmas surprise in the Garden? Well, we can't go back, so I guess that means I wasn't supposed to go.

Da, I found the church! (But I didn't get in.) I don't know why it wasn't open today, but at least now I know where it is. It's on 44th, south side of the street, just west of 1st. No, I don't feel guilty. I found it, and it's not my fault it wasn't open. I even rang the security bell and no one came out.

Ma, we didn't do what we had planned, but I don't feel badly about it since I already took you to watch it on TV. Remember we had talked about the fact that you had already gotten presents? I'm sorry, but I just wasn't up to going to Rockefeller Center this year.

Now let's talk about what we did get to do.

Because I had been walking to 34th to see if KMart was open, I was on 34th and 8th (which is why I was near the Garden) and decided to start walking east. I've seen these guys dozens of times selling "helicopter rides around Manhattan," and I stopped and asked one of them what it was all about. It turns out that it's an IMAX show at the Empire State building on the 2nd floor. I figured I'd check it out. The tickets were $38, but because there was so much confusion at the box office, which is also where they sell popcorn, soda, and all the stuff you'd buy at the movies, they thought I was a member and let me in for $18.

I've never been to an IMAX before, and it was wild! It really felt like a helicopter ride over New York. I know you were watching it with me, but I needed all of you to be there in person. The narrator didn't point out the Flat Iron building or the Citicorp building with the slanted roof or the old MetLife building or dozens of other places that you would recognize. Mommy would have been saying, "Where's the ...." Daddy would have been saying, "That's the ..." and "there's the ...." And I'm sure you would have been picking out little tiny details like this street or that one. And daddy would have loved the scenes where we were flying between the buildings and gliding over the streets of downtown. I wonder how they got all that film footage, so they could use it in the show. I'm sure daddy knows. I don't know why they had to keep bringing up the Trade Center. They kept talking about how New York "used to look" and how we'll never forget. I'm glad they're trying to make it alive and real for all the people who don't even notice that it was there, and now it's gone.

Wasn't the history part of it great? I never knew the Chrysler building was trying to be taller. I don't understand why it was talked about how quickly the Empire State was constructed "considering it was depression." Don't they realize that's why it went up so quickly? Everyone wanted a job!

Oh, before I forget: While I was walking down 5th on my way to KMart, I walked past Lord and Taylor's, and they still do a moving display in the windows. It doesn't come close to what B.Altman's did in their Christmas windows, but I don't think any store ever will. Da, remember the year they had bears playing on a clothesline, and the clothes would slide off whenever one of the bears slid down the line? Then, just like magic, the clothes and clothesline would be back up and the bears would do it all over again. Remember how you showed us where all the machinery and wires were behind the "wall," so we could see how it was done? I think mommy got mad because you showed us that it wasn't real, but I don't remember for sure. Did she get mad at you that time?

Ma, what did you think of Macy's windows? I don't remember ever seeing moving displays in their windows. Have they been doing them for years, and I just don't remember?

It was a pretty good day for me, and I hope you all enjoyed it (even if it didn't go according to plan). I only cried a few times, and it wasn't very much. I even had a few laughs. I'm sure mommy had a fit, but I thought it was funny when I slipped on the snow getting off the bus and landed on my behind. Weren't those out-of-towners cute when they tried not to laugh?

Well, I'd better start returning phone calls (Ella, Uncle Joe, Delores, Buddy), or the phone will be ringing all night.

I love you and miss you. I hope you all had a good time today. Joey, I'll have to figure out some way to make up for not taking you to the Knick game today.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-25 ***

It's bad this year

I knew this holiday was gonna be a rough one since the anger subsided, but I didn't realize how bad it would be.

I told Uncle Joe that I wasn't going since I'm closing at 9:30 the morning after Christmas. He said it was a shame that I was all alone here while he was all alone there. Mommy said the same thing when I had the double vision and didn't go there for Christmas, so I wouldn't feel right going to see him when I didn't go see mommy that year. I almost called him last night to go today after work, spend the night and then come home tomorrow, but I didn't.

We were talking in the support group about what each of us was doing for Christmas, and I said I'd probably go into the city and look around. One of the women called me last night and left a message that she's also from the city and would love to come with me. I'm going to call her back later and tell her that I won't be walking around the city since my relatives in Brooklyn want me to go there as long as I'm in the neighborhood. I don't like lying, but how do you tell someone that you don't want to have to talk to anyone? That you just want to be alone and go back to all the "old" places and remember? And better yet, how do you tell someone that you're not alone, that your family is coming with you to all the places we love to go to? I'm trying to justify it by saying that lying is kinder than telling her I don't want to be with her and talk to her or anyone else.

Dan and Jean said that if I was going to be home alone tonight, to go there, but I'm not going. Now that I've gotten rid of Chris and have an empty garage again, I put my car in there, and no one is sure if I'm home or not. I'm sure mommy is annoyed, but tell her I don't know how to sit around pretending everything is normal.

But let's talk about some of the fun stuff! Remember the song "City Sidewalks, Busy Sidewalks" and how daddy used to sing it "backwards" putting the "busy sidewalks" before the "city sidewalks" just to get a rise out of me? Then I would correct him, and we'd argue about it even though we both knew he was doing it on purpose? Make sure you remind daddy of that one. I think he'll get a kick out of it.

Ma, I heard "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" when I was at Patty's! It's the only time I've heard it this year. I know, if I put the radio on and looked for the stations playing Christmas music, I would hear it more than once. I'm pretty sure Joey gave me a 45 of that, but I don't remember where I put it. Remember how you couldn't understand why I liked that song, but you always called on the phone when it was on the radio and had me put the station on? Since they started playing music on cable, you would call me to put the channel on (400 something?), so I could hear it there, too! Yeah, ma, even though we didn't understand each other and agree about a lot of things, we still looked out for each other.

Since I've been watching TV lately, I've seen a lot of movie ads, and a lot of movies are being released on Christmas day. When did that start? There's a movie theater on Railroad Avenue, so I thought about taking a swing by there to see what's playing, and if it's a good one, I won't go into the city. If it's something I don't feel like seeing, I'll just stay on Railroad Avenue until I get to the parking lot and go to New York. What do all of you think of that one? Uh oh, I'm noticing a lull in the conversation. Does that mean you disapprove or just aren't sure? I'm not sure, either, so would the three of you get together and figure something out and tell me what to do!

As mommy and daddy always said, "Hindsight is 20/20." Now I'm wishing I had gone to Uncle Joe's tonight, so I could get home tomorrow. At least if I were there, no one here would invite me or want to come with me because I wouldn't be here for real!

OK, ma, I know. You're saying, "We can't go back," just like you always did. I didn't go to Uncle Joe's, so now what? I think the best idea is to check out what movies are playing and then make a decision about the city. I was just about to tell you not to worry about the rain because I'm going to wear that hat Joey gave me, when I realized I probably left it in the car, so I'll be back in a minute.... Whew! It was in the car! (That doesn't mean I'm definitely going into the city. I'm just getting prepared. Plus, I'll need it when I get out of the theater if I end up seeing a movie.)

Da, maybe if I talk directly to you, I'll figure something out. I know you think both ideas are maudlin, so why don't you come up with something else? Please keep in mind that I'm not up to doing the "Merry Christmas" thing this year. Yeah, I know. I haven't been thrilled about the holidays since you've been gone. Remember how mommy always tried to keep the holidays going? What about the year (it was after Joey was murdered) that I said, "Why bother? Everyone's dead." And Mommy said, "I'm not dead! You're not dead! What do you mean, 'everyone's dead'? I'm still alive!" Poor mommy! She tried so hard to make the holidays mean something to me. I should have faked it, just so she felt better. Well, "we can't go back," so how do I convince her that I don't have to be "merry" just because it's a holiday? That I can celebrate my own way? That celebrating the holiday is knowing the three people that I love the most are with me no matter where I go?

Joey, I'm disappointed! Whenever I talk to you, I get some clarity, but nothing's happening today. I guess I won't know what to do until tomorrow night when it's time to go to sleep, and then I'll know what I did. Are the three of you going to surprise me with something? I already told you that all I want for Christmas is a visit, but maybe you're planning something else. The problem is, I don't know if the present will be at the movies or in the city. Knowing you, it'll be wherever I am, but where is the best place for me to go? Where will I be most at peace and less sad? I guess it doesn't really matter where, since you'll all be with me no matter where.

I miss all of you so much! Ma, I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of appreciating the holidays when just the two of us were here, but "we can't go back." I know tomorrow will be great, no matter what I do. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a better offer and won't do the movies or the city.

Well, we'll know for sure tomorrow night when Christmas is over.

Please get in touch with me!

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-24 ***

Mommy won't think this is funny, but daddy does

Hi, Joey!

Since daddy is always a stickler for details, he probably noticed this right from the beginning, but didn't say anything about it to you or mommy.

Have you noticed that everything written here is held in a queue until someone reads it first and makes sure it's appropriate to post? No, I didn't think you spotted that. Well, someone is reading all my correspondence before it's posted and that person (or persons) must think I'm nuts.

I've been using this site as my own personal "stairway to the afterlife" since no one (except the editors) looks at these websites after all these years, and I need to feel connected to you.

Yes, I saw the notice about being edited prior to posting but I didn't think about what I must sound like to the people doing the editing. I don't know why I thought about it today, but I did. It came to me just as I turned on the computer to write to you (again!). If I had sent only one or two letters they probably wouldn't have thought much of it but I've been writing to you since September and I've written a lot of letters.

Do they think I've lost my mind for thinking I'm actually communicating with you? Do they think I'm crazy asking all of you to visit? I hope they don't. They are very caring people to have set up this site and still take the time to edit all the comments, so I think they understand my need to feel connected to you even though we're in different worlds right now.

Daddy is probably the best one to talk to about this so if he's not reading this will you relay the message? Tell him I really need an answer on this one. I know they edit all the mail, and so far they are still posting what I write. Do you think they'll cut me off if they think I'm nuts for writing all the time? I hope not. It's nice to be able to go back and look at the letters I've sent to you and remember all the good times we've had as well as losing the anger and being so sad over this. Sure, I could type this on any document, but for some reason I find consolation writing it on a page dedicated to those who were murdered on that horrible Tuesday.

Now mommy's upset that the people reading these letters think that her daughter is a nut. Daddy thinks the whole thing is a riot, and mommy is yelling at him for laughing. I'll bet you're not sure how you feel about this particular turn of events. I'd love to see all of you laughing and yelling about what's going on in my world!

I know I'll be talking to you again after Monday when I have more news on the closing. Oh, and don't forget to pay a visit to my office on Monday and check on the holiday "party." You already know that I made the eye doctor appointment on Monday, so I wouldn't have to be at the "party." There won't be much to listen to there, but I do want to know what (if anything) is said about me or my absence.

And don't forget what I want for Christmas. I want a visit. I'll settle for a short one, but I really, really, really, really want a visit!

I'll check in with you next week.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-19 ***

Don't tell Mommy!

When I blew up at that woman over the car door, I was having a mini seizure. I had gone to the neurologist Monday, and he said that's what it was. I have even more bad news.... I clearly remember him telling me they were electrodes, not wires, but it wasn't in his notes, so I guess I'm losing my mind. When I discussed that with him, he went into an explanation that I had a seizure after we talked and somehow got that thought into my head. Where did I come up with electrodes? How did that word get in my head? He tested me for Alzheimer's, and I don't have that. I guess I'm having more mini-seizures than I realize. We talked some more, and he asked if I were being monitored. I told him Pacia did an EEG every six months, but he thinks I should have a long-time monitor, go into the hospital for a week and plot all my brain waves. I have six weeks' sick time coming, so if that's what they want to do, I'll do it. The insurance company switched my drugs to generic, so that could also have an effect on my mini-seizures. Since the epileptologist wants to get me off the Keppra and just take the Lamictal, he'll monitor while on both medications and then put me back in the hospital for another week without the Keppra and only on the Lamictal.

I guess it doesn't matter whether or not you tell mommy.  She's always watching over me, so she'll find out when I go into the hospital. Explain why it's being done, so maybe she won't panic as badly as we expect her to.

I started watching the basketball game last night, so you could see it, but I fell asleep. Did you watch the whole game? If you were here, I probably wouldn't have fallen asleep, since you would be talking away just like a sports announcer and making sure I didn't miss any of the plays and strategies. I'll put a game on again, but please don't be insulted if I fall asleep again. I'll leave the TV on again, so you can watch the whole game if you want.

It looks like the taxes will be resolved, and the closing will take place. Since it was the bank's fault, they have extended my deadline so I get the 4.5%.

I think that's all for now. If any of you want to tell me anything, just visit. I would love that! Wow! You could visit me as Christmas present! And it would be the best present I ever got. Yes, Da, even better than the doll with the pink hair.

Oh, I don't know if you've been watching the weather. If you have been, then you know that we're expecting 6-12 inches of snow starting tomorrow into Sunday morning. Tell mommy not to worry about my falling. I have some salt left over from last year, so I should be OK.

I think I've covered everything. Talk to you soon.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-18 ***

A basketball game!!!!

Okay, now I know where to take you ... a Knicks game!

I'll be in the city next Monday, so I'll call the Garden over the weekend and see what's available. Did you ever see them at the Garden? If you did, it's probably been about 25 or 30 years ago (if not more).  I know you'll enjoy it, but it'll be weird watching basketball without hearing you point out all the little nuances and strategies. I don't think they'll be playing the 24th or 25th, so we'll probably have to go some other time.

I still have one more present to find. Has daddy said anything about somewhere he'd like to go? If he doesn't get in touch with me soon, he'll just have to come along and wander around the east side with me while I try to find that church.

Wait a minute! Has anyone made any decisions about going to the revolutionary war cemetery? You haven't seen it in almost 50 years. Mommy was never there, and daddy enjoyed taking us there so much! I think we're all going to the cemetery this Christmas. I know, Daddy thinks it maudlin. Da, don't think of it that way! Think of it as a trip down memory lane. And for once, mommy is coming with us! Ma, stop making faces. Think of it as one of the places I went to when I was looking for Joey, so it's a special place for that reason, too, not just because daddy took us there.

Well, I think we're all settled on what to do!

Talk to you soon.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by Trudy on 2009-12-16 ***

Hi, Joey!

Sometimes life just isn't fair. I just realized that mommy already has two presents! I was watching the lighting of the tree on TV. Mommy hadn't ever seen the lighting, so she got to see that, too! Even so, I'm still taking her back there for Christmas, so she can get an up-close look at the tree and see the ice skaters. Mommy is going to make out real good this holiday! I hope she appreciates it.

I'm still thinking about where to take daddy, and I'd like some input from you. We all know the only time to go into Manhattan is on a Sunday when you can park. Remember all those times when daddy wasn't working days, and he would take us into the city and show us all those places that most people don't know about? Remember the Revolutionary War Cemetery? I don't think I ever thought about that place since we were kids.

Ironically, I saw it again behind Trinity Church and knew immediately what it was. Trinity was the church the rescue workers used for dry clothes, food, etc. I never would have thought to look for it there! When I was at the church and decided to wander around, I couldn't believe it when I saw the headstones that daddy showed us almost 50 years ago! What did daddy say when he saw how excited I was to be back there with wonderful memories of us as kids poking around in a cemetery while he pointed out the names and origins of the generals killed in the war?

Wait a minute! It was too soon after your murder, so you couldn't have been there, and daddy was probably busy getting you settled in, so I guess he didn't see it, either.

Daddy always loved taking us "sight seeing" in the city, and he really made a fuss over that place. Should I take him there for Christmas, or would that make him sad? Mommy hasn't ever seen it, and you haven't seen it since we were kids. What do you think? Would you or daddy like to go back there? Mommy can come, too, even though she's getting so many presents this year.

Which subway stop should I get off at? I think the IRT Cortlandt Street station is still closed, but wasn't there a BMT stop nearby? Should I just get off at Brooklyn Bridge and walk south on Broadway? Would all of you please stop laughing! We all know I have a lousy sense of direction, but you don't need to laugh about it! I'm being serious! If you think daddy would like to go to the cemetery, let me know. If he doesn't want to go, just you and I can go unless there's somewhere else you want to go to that you're not telling me about.

Ma, they're giving me at hard time! Will you think of somewhere to take them because I'm out of ideas. Just tell them where to go, and then you can tell me where to take them.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,
Trudy

*** Posted by their favorite daughter on 2009-12-12 ***

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