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In Memory of Steven Paul Chucknick



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In Tribute to Steven Paul Chucknick
44 years old.   Residence: Cliffwood Beach, N.J.
Died in World Trade Center

NOTE:  The visitor remarks and comments below are NOT NECESSARILY the feelings or beliefs of this website's webmaster or sponsors.
 

327 Total Comments
Page:  9 of 17

My Love,

Tonight I feel so alone and so sad. Everywhere I look and everywhere I go now, there are constant reminders that you are not with me anymore.... It hurts so very much, so tonight I will say through my tears that I love you and I miss you.

My heart to only yours forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-09-07 ***

Hi Sweetheart,

It's just me. We are preparing for what they say will be a pretty bad storm, and, while I am being cautious, I am not worried, because I know you are watching over us. I wasn't planning on doing much of anything this weekend, except think of you. I will bring flowers to the memorial for your birthday Monday because, besides sending my love and my heart to you, there is nothing else I can do to celebrate. I hope you are there with me because, many times when I visit, I can almost feel you standing there with me. I seem to automatically put my head to the side without thinking as if to lay it against your chest. All I keep hearing these days is the beat of your heart. A friend of mine explained to me that the dream I had about you last week was just telling me that no matter what I would have done on 9/11, I could not have changed the outcome.... But I would have, my Angel, because I would have traded places with you if I could have. I would have given my life for you as I would for our son. There is such a sadness in this house again that it becomes unbearable. Steven stays upstairs, and we hardly speak. I know he is hurting, and I ask that, if you can, please comfort him.... I love you so much.

My heart to only yours forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-09-05 ***

I'm here, my Love,

Again it's late, and I am still up, so I figured I would write to my best guy ... my best friend ... and my only love.
The days are just passing by as if I am letting them waste away. I wish that, when I fall asleep, I could just sleep through the next week. It's so hard, hon, and I hate being here without you. I bought your birthday card today. It says, "To my husband, my lover, my best friend." You are, you know, and you always will be. Today I heard that song, "In the Arms of the Angel," and I cried because, in my mind's eye, I saw the angels lifting everyone out of the rubble that day to take all of you home. The angels had to be there that day. I can't believe that God would have left all of you there alone to handle this horrific tragedy. I try to think that all of your guardian angels stood by everyone's side, and before you were gone, your souls were already on their way to heaven. I hurt so bad, my love, because it's almost seven years, and I still cannot figure any of this out. How could people have hated us so much that they would do this to so many innocent people? I miss you so much that I can't think straight during this time of the year. I love you with all of my heart, and I always will. The only peace I will ever find will be when I am in your arms again and see your beautiful smiling face.

My heart to only yours forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-09-04 ***

My Love,

Today is 2549 days without your sweet smile and your warm hugs in my life. What I wouldn't give to look into your eyes again and to be held in your arms. I pray for you every night and long just to know that you can hear me. Today is September 3rd, and I feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach, knowing that in just 8 more days, I will have lost you for 7 years. Where did those years and days go? Why do I still feel the pain as if it were yesterday? In 5 more days we will celebrate your birthday again. And again, there will be no birthday cake or the joy of watching you open your gifts. Instead, I will spend the day at a memorial, bringing flowers to a place where you aren't even there. You are there only in name. Please help me to understand why I have to spend the rest of my life without you when I love you so much. I will be down by the water sending my love and kisses across to you each day now. And if you see me, please let me know somehow. I miss you so very very much.

My heart to only yours,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-09-03 ***

To George,

My son Steven and I thank you for caring, and for your kind words.... Please keep Steve and all the others who were lost that day in your prayers ... and may God bless you and your family!

Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-09-03 ***

My Beloved,

I can't stop thinking about you. No matter what I am doing, my thoughts turn to you and how badly I want to see you. Last night I couldn't sleep, so I watched television for a while. As I was changing channels, I saw that one of your favorite movies was on, so I stayed up and watched it and cried. It was "What Dreams May Come." Is it really like that where you are? Do you see Steven and Me? Are you trying to comfort us? I wish I knew. I wish I knew that you are here with us even though we can't see you. I smiled at the end when they chose to come back again and met as children all over again. You would always take my hand and smile and say to me, "Can we do that?" And of course I would always say yes. I never realized that someday that would be my dream, to come back here after we are both gone and find each other all over again! I pray that heaven is like that, because if it is, I will find you again. I love you so much.

My heart to only yours forever
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-09-02 ***

Dear Barbara,

Your words of tribute are poignant and beautiful. Please consider compiling them into a book someday--this may help transmute your sorrow. Your grief is not yours alone, dear Barbara, but that of others who share your thoughts and loving remembrances.

I hope you find solace and peace year after year.

Prayers and kind wishes,
George

*** Posted by George on 2008-09-01 ***

My Sweet Husband,

It's late, and I feel so weary. A sadness is coming over me that I cannot seem to control. I almost hated to turn the page on the calendar because I just can't bear to remember these next 11 days. So many of them were still happy days as we prepared for your birthday. Yet now my heart is aching to the point that I can't seem to control the tears that fill my eyes when I think that in just 10 days from today I lost you, and on the 11th of every September for the rest of my life, I will lose you again. I really do try to be strong, but this is more than I can stand each year, knowing that we had such a wonderful summer together, and then all in an instant you were gone. It's as if the days repeat themselves every year, and every year it hurts more and more. For all these days to come, my thoughts will remember everything we did. Until Monday the 10th of September when you came home late and laid your head on my lap and relaxed and smiled. I still remember stroking your hair and the silkiness of it. I was so blessed to have you in my life and will be your wife until the day I am with you again. I love you, my Angel.

My heart to only yours forever and eternity,
Your wife, Barbara...

*** Posted by Barbara Dana on 2008-09-01 ***

My Love,

September is right around the corner, and the hot days of summer are starting to let up.... I feel numb. I thought that maybe this year would hurt just a bit less, but I was, oh, so wrong. Everyplace I go and everything I see reminds me of how you are no longer by my side. I need to be alone again with my thoughts of you. I cry, but I don't want to be heard ... I just want to be alone with you in my heart. I look at Steven, and I see that he is hurting again as well. We receive all these letters to go to all the memorial, and all I can think of is how I want to just be left alone. I will bring you flowers on your birthday as always.... Well, I'll bring them to the memorial. You're not there, and I will never know where you are. That is what hurts the most. We will never have a place to go. So I will always talk to you on here and in my dreams.... I miss you more than ever.

My heart to only yours forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-29 ***

My Angel,

I can't believe it is nighttime already again, and so my thoughts turn only to you. There is a chill in the air tonight, almost as if fall is trying to push its way in before its time. The sky has been clear, and the moon shines so brightly. Here I sit, thinking of you and wondering where we would be right now if you were still here. I close my eyes and feel your arms around me and wonder if it is really you. Sometimes I feel a brush against my cheek and smile because I wonder if you kissed me. The peace and calmness I always felt when I was with you can never be forgotten. How I wish I could be as calm and peaceful again. The world is not a good place anymore. Have they all forgotten? How do you forget something as tragic as this and just go on as if nothing has happened? Steven and I will spend this anniversary by ourselves, away from everything and everyone. Last year some people were saying, "Enough already." Is it because they didn't lose someone or because they just don't care anymore? I will always care about you and everyone else who was lost. I pray every day for everyone and hope that no one is ever forgotten. You are my heart. You will always be a part of me and Steven because we love you and miss you so very much. Please send a sign this year if you can. I love you.

My heart to only yours forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-26 ***

My Love,

I dreamt of you last night, but it was not a good one. It was more of a nightmare. We were together in a building that was not familiar to me, yet I knew we were in Manhattan. Things were going wrong, and there were men in this building ready to blow it up, and they succeeded. I remember crying, and the dream started over again. We were in the building again, and I remember that I had looked at the clock the first time, and it had exploded at 11:30. All I can remember now was the fear I had as I was trying to get you out before 11:30 came around again. I saw everything happening again as it did the first time, but we were ahead of the clock. We got out, and I remember staring at the building, and it was not 11:30 yet. You looked at me and started to head back in. I started crying and woke up, so I don't know what happened. You didn't speak throughout the entire time. This is not the first time I've had dreams like this. I usually dream that I am in Manhattan, and the sun is going down, and I am lost and just wondering around. I wish I knew what these dreams mean, and I hope that I will be blessed with better ones after this. I love you so very much, and it hurts so much to have these dreams. Please be with me, my love.

My heart to only yours forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-26 ***

Melissa,

Thank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated. I miss Steve every moment of my life, but it is at this time every year that my heart aches even more. He is and always will be the only man I will ever love, and of this I am certain because, as I always say, he is hidden deep in my heart and lives there now and forever. People always said to me, "Never say 'never'." They don't say that anymore because they know that I will never open my heart to anyone else, nor do I want to. You don't marry a man like Steve and then even think of doing it again. He is my forever love and always will be. Thank you so much again for your caring words and your prayers, and please keep my Steve in your prayers, as I will keep you in mine.

God Bless and keep you safe,
Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-26 ***

Barbara -

I just came upon this site and was drawn to your page. As I read your words, my heart is heavy and aches for you and the terrible pain both you and your son are going through. I pray that your Angel Husband will spend his nights in your dreams and his days in your thoughts and in your heart.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose the absolute love of your life. It sounds like what the two of you shared is something out of a fairy tale, a love that some people never get to experience their whole lives. You know the old saying, "better to have loved and lost" ... Well, I consider you to be a very lucky woman to have that special connection in your life. And as you know, that connection will never be separated, it's just on hold for a little while. All I can hope is that one day you will meet again, whether it is a lifetime in heaven together relaxing in the clouds or a brand new life finding each other all over again here on Earth (as one of your favorite movies inspired you both to wish for).

I hope your pain lessens every day and I pray that if you do ever decide the time is right for you to open up your heart again that you find another Angel to bless your life. Nothing could ever replace the amazing love you have with Steven but you deserve to have some joy again when you are ready. I will pray for that.

I will pray for you during this very difficult upcoming 7th anniversary ... and always. All my love, prayers and support to you and your son, and God bless you both. And don't forget to look for signs--they are everywhere.

*** Posted by Melissa Craden - Scotch Plains, NJ on 2008-08-25 ***

My Beloved Husband,

It is almost 7 years, and I want you to know that I still remember what the beat of your heart sounded like as I lay my head against your chest. I still remember the sound of your breathing and the sound of your voice. I still remember how the softness of your hair felt and the smoothness of your skin. I still remember the glow in your eyes and the sweetness of your smile. I still remember the sometime sadness that was in your eyes and helping you to wipe away a tear if it was ever there. I still remember the warmth of your loving arms and the tenderness of your touch. I still remember the love that was in your eyes the day we married and the day that our son was born. I was blessed in my life far beyond my expectations by being married to the most wonderful man on this earth. I am still blessed with so many wonderful memories that we had together. I am blessed to have our son, who each day reminds me more and more of you. You will always be my husband and live deep in my heart where no one will ever hurt you again. I cry because my heart is aching, especially as this part of the year returns, but I will hold my head up and look to the skies on Sept 8th and 11th to let you know that you are my forever love and always and forever will be. I love you like I will never love another. My heart to ONLY yours forever.

Your wife,
Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-24 ***

My Love,

So here we are almost another year later, and my heart, which has always been with you, cries as it remembers the beautiful summer we had with you in 2001. I have said it often, but must repeat it to myself to ask, where have the days gone? The first and second part of the year passed by so quickly as if to bring me back to where you are not only because I hold you in my heart, but because you are forever in my thoughts and in my dreams. Today is 2537 days since I last kissed you goodbye as you left for work. Steven and I were already preparing for your birthday and going shopping for your presents. Presents that still remain here with us untouched as if they are waiting for you to return in the same way that we are waiting. I love you so very much, and my heart aches as the 7th anniversary without you approaches.... I will meet you down by the water, as I always have, to send my heart and my kisses across to you to the sacred grounds of the WTC.... I love you and miss you. My heart to only you forever.

Your wife,
Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-22 ***

My Love,

I have sat and thought about you so much today ... and not without tears. We were meant to be together, and yet we are so far apart. I pray that I will dream of you at night, and yet there is never any peace in my dreams. The weather has not been normal lately, and the days are flying by. Nothing ever seems real anymore. It's all just there without any reason. I lie still in the quiet of the night, hoping for a miracle, hoping to see your face, hoping to touch you or speak to you, but nothing ever happens.... I will pray again tonight and the night after that. I will always pray for you more than I pray for myself.... I will always love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. You will always be my forever love....

My heart to yours forever,
Your wife Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-14 ***

My Sweet Angel,

The weather has been cooler lately, and while I love it, I know the anniversary and your birthday are not far behind. You would have been celebrating your 51st birthday, and Steven and I will celebrate it as we always do. Our 21st anniversary is also coming in October, and I have let my family know that I still celebrate it, as should they. You are my heart, and I know no other but you. I will make our 25th anniversary special, and I hope that you will be near, as I hope you will be with me through the weeks of September. I love you so very, very much.

My heart to only you forever,
Your wife Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-12 ***

My Love,

The weather today felt so strange, and I had such a fear run through my body.... It felt like a day after Sept 11, 2001... .It just ached in my heart as I felt as though I were just waiting for you. I felt as I did the couple days after, just wondering where you were and why I felt so alone.... I couldn't believe I would never see you again. I thought that you would walk through the door to our home and tell me that you just had trouble getting home, and now that you were with Steven and me that you felt so happy to be alive.... Why isn't that the way it turned out? Why can't I sleep anymore because I miss you so much.... I will love you forever ... and only you.

My heart to yours forever,
Your wife Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-08-11 ***

Hi, my angel,

It's late on Sunday, and I was just sitting here thinking about you, and of course missing you. I can't believe we are coming to the end of July already, and Steven will be starting his second year of college.... I wish I knew where the time went.... Before you know it, it will be fall and then my 8th Christmas without you. That is the part I find so very hard to believe. If you asked me about the Christmases that passed since I lost you, I couldn't tell you about them or where they went. Time is still standing still for me without you.... I will always love you.

My heart to only you forever,
Your wife, Barbara

*** Posted by Babara Chucknick on 2008-07-28 ***

My Angel,

Today is not a good day. There were many things to remind me of how much I miss you. I have this sadness in my heart that just won't leave, and I hate feeling this way because I know that you would not want me to be so down. I seem to get through most days, but then I read something about 9/11, and my mind starts to wonder all over again. What happened to you? Is there someone out there who saw you and knows what happened? Or is this a mystery that will haunt me for the rest of my life? I was looking at your clothes again this weekend and started to cry as usual--the beautiful jackets that you bought on Sept. 9th and never got to wear. They still have the tags on them and are still in the zippered bags. I opened the bags, and cried. Steven tried to comfort me, and all I could say is that they stole my and Steven's life when they took yours. I love you and miss you so very much. My heart to only yours forever and ever.

Your wife,
Barbara

*** Posted by Barbara Chucknick on 2008-07-15 ***


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